Sweat Pants

by An Ordinary Man (the novel)

Eva Mendes has been widely quoted as saying that sweat pants are the number one cause of divorce and that she never lets Ryan Gosling see her in them. Relax, ladies – some guys (most?) love sweat pants; they’re very soft and come off easily.  What’s not to like?

The NY Daily News adds, helpfully, that, “for the record, the top cause of divorce in America are lack of trust, loss of intimacy and basic incompatibility. Experts say that poor trouser choice is not even in the top 10 reasons for couples relocating to that lonely town called Splitsville.”  I think sweat pants facilitate intimacy, which, I submit is THE No. 1 cause.

I also think that women who are too put together to have fun are a drag.

Here’s Dr. Wilson, again:

   “Sean,” he called out, “where’s Mom?” He didn’t answer either, too busy shouting insults at his sister to hear him.

    “What do you want?” Her voice, behind him. He turned to face her.

    “Just to tell you I was home.” She had obviously been doing some heavy-duty housework and looked a little cross. Her hair was tied back, but some tendrils had either missed being collected or escaped since then. Her shirt, a favorite chambray work shirt, was missing a few buttons and he knew it would display cleavage if she were to bend forward. She had gold stud earrings on as her only jewelry; even her rings were off. Her jeans were a little dirty and not quite tight enough to define her mons, but they would slide off easily enough to make that of little consequence. He wanted to find an appropriate surface – almost anything horizontal – lay her down on it and begin unfastening things, nuzzling where the sweat collected so she knew a shower would not be allowed because he did not want to wait that long. Fresh-scrubbed was lovely, but sometimes as-found was better; earthy, pungent, true.