An Ordinary Man

Or, Men 101

Month: March, 2015

Sweat Pants

Eva Mendes has been widely quoted as saying that sweat pants are the number one cause of divorce and that she never lets Ryan Gosling see her in them. Relax, ladies – some guys (most?) love sweat pants; they’re very soft and come off easily.  What’s not to like?

The NY Daily News adds, helpfully, that, “for the record, the top cause of divorce in America are lack of trust, loss of intimacy and basic incompatibility. Experts say that poor trouser choice is not even in the top 10 reasons for couples relocating to that lonely town called Splitsville.”  I think sweat pants facilitate intimacy, which, I submit is THE No. 1 cause.

I also think that women who are too put together to have fun are a drag.

Here’s Dr. Wilson, again:

   “Sean,” he called out, “where’s Mom?” He didn’t answer either, too busy shouting insults at his sister to hear him.

    “What do you want?” Her voice, behind him. He turned to face her.

    “Just to tell you I was home.” She had obviously been doing some heavy-duty housework and looked a little cross. Her hair was tied back, but some tendrils had either missed being collected or escaped since then. Her shirt, a favorite chambray work shirt, was missing a few buttons and he knew it would display cleavage if she were to bend forward. She had gold stud earrings on as her only jewelry; even her rings were off. Her jeans were a little dirty and not quite tight enough to define her mons, but they would slide off easily enough to make that of little consequence. He wanted to find an appropriate surface – almost anything horizontal – lay her down on it and begin unfastening things, nuzzling where the sweat collected so she knew a shower would not be allowed because he did not want to wait that long. Fresh-scrubbed was lovely, but sometimes as-found was better; earthy, pungent, true.

The Bow Tie Diaries 1

Congratulations, Clark Ellis, on seeing the light (he seems to be genuine – I watched the whole 5 minutes, and it ends well)

“Somewhere in [his] limbic system ….”

That was what was so comforting about a long-term relationship – your sexual memory was so strong, she was never older than the first time you did it with her; you were imprinted with her as she was then and while you were of course aware of changes over time, somewhere in your limbic system you were still f*****g her as she was when she caught your attention the very first time. That’s why many men continue to wax rhapsodic about the beauty of women who frankly are not so attractive anymore. When men say their wife is the prettiest one in a room full of women, you can be pretty sure either she is, or she’s been doing him on a regular basis all along, keeping the memory of when she was fresh.

Okay, not every woman is going to look as good as Julianne Moore does at 54, but hubby’s limbic system is NOT going to know that: you are still desirable to him, he still wants you, he still needs you (and he might still replace you if you’re not available).

CAMILLA AKRANS - HARPER'S BAZAAR

CAMILLA AKRANS – HARPER’S BAZAAR

HeForShe

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The author of An Ordinary Man is “man number 252,629” – of course I’m against “all forms of violence and discrimination faced by women and girls.” Who wouldn’t be?

Thank You!

FREE TODAY: Saturday, March 7th

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Available for free today only on Amazon; I’d appreciate a review in exchange for the free copy but I’d be happy enough if you read it and told a friend, co-worker, or colleague. Thank you.

Reminder: Free Tomorrow

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One of the most brutally honest, candid views of male sexuality ever written; a no-holds-barred accounting of marital fidelity and infidelity. You may not understand your man completely if you haven’t read this novel. Please tell your friends, especially if they’re married.

Thank Heavens

ABC reports a trend toward smaller breast implants. I applaud, to an extent, because breast size should be as immaterial as penis size – also widely reported recently. Breast augmentation is expensive, somewhat dangerous, and unnecessary; a man in favor of it is not a man, but a boy. Personally, the important part of the breast is, of course, the nipple; erectile tissue trumps soft sponginess every time, on females as well as males.

I Might Need a Brighter Wardrobe …

Jürgen Otto, working with Madeline Girard, a graduate student at University of California, Berkeley, photographed this dapper gent trying to impress a female peacock spider in Australia (apparently that leg kick slays them):

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Just in case you thought your date was under- or over-dressed last weekend.

Read more: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/meet-two-spider-species-skeletorus-and-sparklemuffin/